Planes, Trains, and Anxiety Attacks

Currently people watching at Logan Airport.  I have five hours to kill before my flight back to Phoenix.  This trip was sort of planned.  I had a loose timeline, and things I wanted to accomplish.  Is that a plan?  That’s probably not really a plan.  Anyway, the rough idea I had in my head of how this trip would play out, didn’t go that way.  

The plane out of Phoenix left three hours late.  Who knows why?  This didn’t really bother me for two reasons.  One, it’s a red eye flight.  I was going to sleep and wake up in Boston in the morning whether I got there at 6 or 9am didn’t matter to me.  And two, I live 10 minutes from the airport, I could call an Uber any time.  When I got to the gate and saw the exhausted, irritated faces of those who had been waiting for hours, I knew I couldn’t complain.  I was on my couch drinking beer and watching cartoons up until 20 minutes beforehand.  Leave it to the suffering of others to totally ruin an opportunity to bitch.

I spent the first two days with my bestie and her husband just outside Boston.  I got to hang out with their awesome toddler and reconnect with their dogs.  It was good.  I was having a good time.

The biggest hassle of the trip was when I went to go pick up the rental car I prepaid for.  I’m broke as a joke, I shouldn’t have been traveling anywhere, but I had JetBlue points and I missed my friends.  I didn’t realize that even though I had I prepaid for the rental, they would still need a $200 hold on that same card when I picked it up.  My available credit was 50 bucks; can’t do that.  My plan to drive back to the Berkshires and visit with friends there has been ruined.  Not only that, I felt like I was inconveniencing my bestie and her husband.  I really wasn’t of course, but I still felt terrible.  They didn’t plan on having my ass hanging around their house for another two days.  On top of that, my friends in the Berkshires were making me feel awful about not getting out to see them.  Two of my biggest fears were realized.  I was disappointing and inconveniencing people.  I felt myself crawling into my anxiety.  Wrapping it around me like a cacoon.  I needed to just run away and not face any of this.  I called JetBlue to see if I could get my flight back to Phoenix changed to that day.  I could just take a shuttle to the airport and be gone from the stress of the whole situation.  Of course that would make people even more mad, but I’d be on the other side of the country and I could make it up to them somehow later.  I couldn’t afford the change in price to change my flight.  I only had the $50 available on the card.  My plan to runaway from the whole situation was also ruined.  

I started to have myself a pity party.  I sat sulking in bestie’s guest room and even shed a few tears when I suddenly remembered that there are trains and buses that go to the Berkshires.  Found a train ticket for 30 bucks and a bus ticket back to Boston to catch my flight for 20 bucks.  Fantastic, I have just the 50 bucks available to make this happen!

I’ve ended up spending most of this four day trip squished in some form of metal tube with strangers.  On the train to the Berkshires we picked up a tweaker in Springfield who chose the seat across the aisle from me.  At one point he took off his pants and was just chilling.  I had my headphones on and tried my best to avoid any sort of eye contact.  That was really the worst character I ran into, and honestly it’s just kind of funny looking back.

I navigated bus, train, and subway stations and all without losing my shit.  I missed getting to see a few people and that bums me out, but I can’t help but to feel proud of myself for the way I handled the chaos of this trip.  I still enjoyed myself for the most part.  Besides a short pity party, I faced the challenges like a boss.  Go me!

Edit – my flight back to Phoenix has been delayed.  There’s still time for me to lose my shit.

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